I was out last night celebrating the independence of my home country Nigeria. While mingling, I sat at a table with two other ladies and we got chatting. After I felt comfortable I asked, so do you ladies do online dating? There was a moment of silence and we laughed. One of the ladies mentioned she does and the other said she had but deleted her profile shortly after as it was not for her.
I pressed further and asked why she felt that way, she responded with “It’s embara...” and she stopped. so I asked, were you saying embarrassing? We followed up with another round of laughter. She explained that it’s weird to see people she knows and she also didn’t want people in her business.
Our convo made me think about some online dating road blocks some of us face.
World people a.k.a monitoring spirits a.k.a awon aye will see your profile, take a screenshot and distribute to their network. To that I say SO! AND? You must reach a point where you realize what people choose to do and not do with their time reveals much more about them than the person they are gossiping about.
I mean I get it, you don’t want your business out there, but to be honest our business is already out there. Do you use Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, Twitter, LinkedIn? Ok then! our digital bread crumbs exist in one shape or form, so live and let live. You really cannot help what people think of you!
Chances are you will see someone you know because A LOT of us are using dating apps, in the case that you do just swipe left!
Ego / Pride
Most of us believe we are awesome, hello #BlackGirlMagic and with that affirmation comes expectation on how things should be. We shouldn’t have to seek men out, right? They should be aware of our awesomeness, and flock to us like bees to honey. I mean look at us, Beautiful, Smart, Driven. A total catch. Yet our ego keeps telling us we are just too good to be a mere swipe!
Here is the issue, for some like myself who are not social, don’t go out, and keep a low profile, we must ask where and how are we going to meet these guys? He is not going to fall from the sky, so we must do our part by putting ourselves out there just a tiny weeny bit.
Now this is heavy, shame is another culprit. Shame of feeling we have to result to online dating, shame in looking “desperate” (because why else would we be online dating?), shame in feeling like we deserve better that this.
We live in a crazy world where there are good and bad people. Unfortunately, there are people who prey on women. Below are somethings to keep in mind:
1.) TRUST YOUR INSTINCT. If something feels off pay attention, and don’t ignore the signs. Listen to that voice and don’t forget common sense.
2.) Do your RESEARCH. Google that dude, look him up on all social media outlets. When you feel comfortable with meeting up, pick an area that you know, preferably somewhere with a crowd and foot traffic and well lit. Mind your environment, and watch what you eat and drink.
3.) INFORM someone. I never go on any date without informing my closest friends. I include pictures, whatever I’ve gathered online, and name of the meeting spot AND I check in while on the date and when I am leaving. I also help my friends research as well so holla😊
Online dating is just another means to meet people! It doesn’t guarantee you’ll find a life partner. Sure, you may meet interesting characters along the way just like you would in real life, you may meet people that will go on to be your friends, just like you may in real life. There is also a good chance you’ll meet people who aren’t your cup of tea, just swipe left and you don’t have to see their profiles again.
So whether you are dealing with internal conflicts like shame, fear, pride or external, being judged by others,LET IT GO! This is your life, live it on your own terms. Stop being embarrassed about making a decision that impacts you and your future.
Being single and searching is nothing to be ashamed of.