Pocket of Nothingness
“I’ve told you, getting a woman is not a problem. Women throw themselves at me.” Sir had said in one of our conversations. I can see why. Sir is rich, well connected, and smart. All that was missing from that sentence was ‘WHO wouldn’t want me?”
it is hard for these types of men to understand why someone will not welcome their advances. I can’t blame them, it is normal for some ladies to use dating older man as a source of income.
Someone I have known for years, partnered with on projects and considered a friend albeit our age difference showed me his truer colors recently. Our relationship was not your typical elder to young adult relationship you would expect in the Nigeria culture. We discussed our lives, family, challenges of growing up, relationships, work. We’ve executed business ideas and strategise on new ones. Sir is westernized.
The first time Sir explicitly indicated his physical interest in me 2 years ago, I immediately rebuffed him and while he never out-rightly brought up the topic again, he’d make sly comments in our convos. I'll play stupid, change the topic, or not respond if the convo was over text and it seemed he finally understood I had no interest or desire to move our relationship beyond the friend zone…or so I thought.
In one of our convos last month, I mentioned I needed a vacation, and he said he had always invited me to visit but I never showed any interest. (I have visited in the past when we had business projects). This time I said I’ll come. He told me to lookup tickets and get back to him and I promised to do so. When he followed up on ticket search a week later, I sent him what I found, and he said to call.
The bottom line of the convo was tied to perceived understanding that a purchase of this less than $400 ticket unequivocally meant purchase of my consent. His rationale was that he had expressed to me he found me attractive, there were no spare rooms in his home, leaving only his bed and you know he is a man. I expressed that we were not on the same page and it would be best to call the whole thing off.
Sir: You are aware that I like you, I’ve expressed that I find you attractive. How does that make you feel? what comes to your mind?
Me: Nothing, I put it all in my pocket of nothingness.
Sir: Can I ask you a question?
Sir: Is it that I am not handsome, too old, or is it because you are looking for something more serious?
Me: It has never crossed my mind, and it will never cross my mind.
Sir: Very well then.
This occurrence has made me realize that I can be a tad bit too free with people. I allow (because it’s a choice) people to relate with me in an open manner because that’s my style. I don’t pass judgment and I let people share what they want. The only thing I flag is disrespect, besides that say what you want, and I reserve the right to dismiss/ accept/ ignore whatever is said.
With this realization, I am curtailing my open ear policy. I will still create an environment for people to keep it 100 BUT not at the expense of my self-worth.
Because I chose to be silent in situations when certain comments were said, I permitted it to escalate to the point where my consent/ body/ worth was appraised at the value of an airline ticket.
I will now be shutting things down INSTANTLY. I don’t care who you are, how much you are worth, how old you are, or what your connection is to me.
I recall this Yoruba proverb, nkan ti eyan o ni gba ni olowo, la ti talika lo ma ti ko.
What you will not accept/condone when you are wealthy, you must start rejecting while poor.