Daddy Issues

Whenever a female has a f*cked up relationship with her father, or absence of a father figure during her childhood, it tends to spill into any adult relationship they embark on, usually to the chagrin of any poor male in their life. As seen on Urban Dictionary.

Disclaimer there is no perfect life or family, we all just do a great job hiding and pretending.

Hello i am Pearl, and i have Daddy Issues.

My Daddy issues have made me very strong, firm, and tough. My mom sometimes tells me i am too hard for a girl, reason being, I can be a very no nonsense person and i tend to be very direct.

I am a sum of nature and nurture, and my environment has influenced me a great deal. I have handled my Daddy Issues by unconsciously transforming into the man i desire:

Independent Ambitious Christ Lover Hardworking Romantic

Prudent/provider Firm Fun Smart Sincere

I have also noticed this pattern of being the men we desire among my friends who also have interesting family lives. It makes me wonder the kind of relationship/ partnership or marriage that awaits us.

Daddy Issues can manifest in the following ways:

1.) WHO WE DATE

Some girls dream to marry/ be with a man like their dad, and some would rather die single than marry or be with a man like their dad.

Having Daddy Issues makes it easy to develop a rigid/ absolute mindset/ filter, at least in my case.

For example, if dad issue is alcoholism, the rule maybe to never date a drinker.

2.) WHY WE DATE

Fill void from maternal or paternal issues, when we don't get loved the correct way we spend years either looking to fill that void or mirroring the exact behavior that led to the void.

i.e someone coming from a domestic abusive home going on to be abusive.

i.e someone who constantly seeks love and attention from any Tom, Dick and Harry.

Sometimes, the outcome is choosing to NOT date/ settle down/ marry because you reach a decision that love = hurt and pain, so therefore it isn't worth it.

3.) HOW WE LOVE or ARE LOVED

Through acts of jealousy, manipulation, control, abuse (physical, verbal and emotional), e.t.c

The Nigerian culture is not one that allows for open discussion on family issues. Things like therapy are frowned upon. Any form of counselling comes from elders or religious leaders that advice you pray and fast. Don't get me wrong prayer works, but i also believe prayer without works is dead.

So what's a girl to do:

Make the connection: Coming to terms that what i experienced growing up contributes to HOW i live my life now and the various quirks and flaws i posses.

Make the distinction: While home-life was what it was, i am NOT that experience. It is not who i am.

Make the decision: I will learn to forgive my past, daddy and myself and choose to LOVE despite of the issues.

I am now in the process of getting help and i encourage anyone who may be in the same boat to seek help. Find a great therapist and unpack years of baggage that we've all been lugging around.

My goal is to address this issue before pursuing any serious relationship, because there is no point chasing a future when i have not even made peace with my past.

Pearl B.