Holy Hump (Anon Submission)

It was one fateful Sunday, sitting on the couch in my apartment and feeling particularly blue (read lonely), that I decided I was going to give the dating apps a try again. I was seeking a long-term relationship but with working from home full-time and having a small friend circle, my social life was quite limited, so if I really wanted to meet a potential partner, I had to put myself out there.

About 5 months before that, I had sworn off the apps because I was tired of the back-and-forth conversations with guys that never seemed to lead anywhere. It didn’t help that it was the middle of the pandemic and there were only so places we could go on dates. The few potentials I met at the time turned out to be disappointments, so I took a break to love on myself, explore the city and try to make friends.

So, on this day that I decided to give online love another try, I reinstalled the favorites, Bumble and Hinge, upgraded my profile, added a few newer (read hotter) pictures and resumed swiping. I even read Bumble’s FAQs because I had struggled with understanding the app in the past and this time, I was determined to be intentional.

A few hours after what appeared to be countless swipes on Bumble, I matched with a few exciting potentials. There was the Nigerian rapper, Ghanaian PhD, African American police officer, Liberian doctor, American tech bro, and then, there was Bobby, the worship leader, also from Nigeria. Hmmm, he didn’t quite meet all of my specs as he was a little shorter than I preferred but he was fine and he said he loved the Lord, and he was a music head like me, so I was definitely interested.

We hit it off from the beginning and exchanged numbers. Bobby lived in a different city but was visiting my city for the weekend when we matched. Once I figured out Bobby wasn’t from the area, I wasn’t as responsive. But Bobby didn’t allow me rest o, he kept messaging and requesting to talk over the phone. I obliged him because I didn’t see anything to lose.

Well, Bobby was in his 30s (old and mature enough I thought), seemed reasonable and responsible, and was working on advancing to being a pastor. As much as I had prayed for a God-fearing man, I never contemplated being with someone in full-time ministry cos I be about living my best life and not caring too much about what anyone thinks about my actions and decisions. I wasn’t sure how much of being a Pastor’s wife fully aligned with that. But Bobby checked most of my boxes (well, except the height and pastor thing) and he is fine fine, so I gave him a chance. He was only 4 hours away by car which I thought was doable.

Bobby and I had very illuminating conversations and I really enjoyed talking to him. We would talk for hours on end, and we got along extremely well. My overactive imagination started to contemplate what life as a pastor’s wife could look like, and it actually wasn’t looking bad. I thought to myself, ‘I’ll set expectations about what I can or cannot do as a pastor’s wife’. When I worried about income because full-time pastors don’t exactly make a lot of money and I appreciate being pampered and treated like a baby girl, I would justify in my head, “my salary should be enough for us”. At this point, this is when I knew ‘they’ had gotten me.

Bobby and I talked off and on for almost 2 months before we met for the first time. He drove down for the weekend, and I planned a weekend of activities because I was determined to make the most of our time. Friday night, we went out to dinner, and I was so pleased to find that we had really good chemistry in person as well. There was no awkwardness and I felt comfortable letting my guard down with him. We took a nice, long walk and talked about our goals and what a potential future could look like. Y’all, it was starting to feel like had found ‘the one’. Never mind that all these feelings were felt on the first night of our meeting in-person (big side eye at myself).

We went back to my place to wrap up the night with Netflix and chill. LOL, you already know it’s going down. Bobby kissed me, very unexpectedly, and the next thing, we were on the couch making out heavily. I didn’t realize when I blurted out ‘ah ah, brother pastor you used to make out too’ LOL. It felt too good to stop so, in my head, we would talk about the pastor making out part later. We were both celibate and while we had talked about our physical boundaries and how far we wanted to go, talk is cheap. We were both very physically attracted to each other so clearly, the reality didn’t match up with what we had said. Anyway, this brother (literally and figuratively) was so smooth with his hands that I invited him to spend the night (my mouth and body were clearly not in sync with my mind because as I uttered the words, my brain was going ‘girl WTF, what if this guy does something bad to you’) but as I was already lovestruck, my brain had apparently stopped processing sense.

I was dreaming, Bobby and I were getting married in his church. He looked so handsome, and I felt butterflies in my stomach at the thought of being so lucky to marry the love of my life. Suddenly, I felt someone push me hard from behind I stumbled at the altar. As my bridesmaid reached out to catch me, I woke up.

Please tell me why I woke up in the middle of the night to find pastor on top of my butt, dry humping me like his life depended on it. Apparently, the push I felt in my dream was the force of pastor’s dry hump. I froze for a minute because I wasn’t sure how to react. His hands were literally everywhere, and he couldn’t even seem to keep up. When he realized I was awake, he started to say ‘baby, I love you, I want you’. LOL, what?

I asked him to stop, and he kept trying to insist that he wouldn’t do anything I didn’t want and that he could control himself. ‘Well then, why the hell are you dry humping me without my consent’, I asked him. I think that question helped reset his brain because in that moment, he stopped and seemed to contemplate his actions. He apologized and we barely said anything to each other after that. He left in the morning and that was the last I heard of Bobby.

LOL, I wanted someone to wake me up again because this had to be a dream. So, Bobby was a huge disappointment and I was back where I started. I decided to take an extended break from dating apps and focus on living my baby girl life.